呢段時間要俾啲掙扎做人

因為除咗掙扎都無其他嘢好做。

見到朋友受苦、見到屋企有事但愛莫能助、落到場都係眼白白睇住戰友被拖走… 我覺得好辛苦，每一日都好痛苦。我已經每日都好努力過生活，令到自己好忙好忙，唔敢有一絲鬆懈。我好怕，如果唔忙，我就係對唔住響香港嘅朋友，因為我冇珍惜到自己嘅自由。

半年都唔係好寫到嘢，因為我無俾時間自己靜落嚟思考，都冇辦法靜落嚟。一無嘢做就會焦慮，就會成個人震。去到上星期，終於病咗，逼住要停落嚟，啲情緒就開始湧現。尋晚meltdown，我又去咗睇《Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix》小說。

每次我有咩頭暈身慶開始覺得現實世界令我好難受，我開始頂唔住，我就會重溫呢段對話：

“There is no shame in what you are feelings, on the contrary…the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.”

“My greatest strength, is it?You haven’t got a clue… You don’t know…”

“What don’t I know?”

“I don’t want to talk about how I feel, all right?”

“Suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human–”

“THEN–I–DON’T–WANT–TO–BE–HUMAN! I DON’T CARE! I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE–”

“You do care, you care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

呢個對話真實度發生過，早幾日我好無預警下打電話俾一個人，同佢講，我唔係好掂你得閒嘅話陪住我好無，佢都係一如既往陪著我。

我喊，不停話好辛苦，點解要做人。唔係想死，但就係唔知點算，唔知以後點過，你話我知點樣經歷咗好多嘢之後，仲可以繼續過落去。可唔可以有人話我知之後會點樣，話我知點做先啱。

我真係好想有神，好想有個可以100%依靠嘅對象，畀我依賴，話我知每一件事點解決，以後條路點行。如果佢可以話我知我嘅人生應該點過，呢場運動應該點落去，點樣可以贏，點樣可以唔內疚，點樣可以令到犧牲值得，點樣乜乜乜…. 總之話我知點樣可以唔痛苦得唔得。

佢都係用一貫嘅冷靜tone同我講，其實冇呢個人存在，所有嘢都要自己嚟，叫我唔好覺得worst case一定會發生，同我好認真分析。