印度義教(1)
感恩同自我不足嘅關係。
呢篇唔係遊記，但係關於去印度嘅第一篇，希望唔係最後一篇。
呢排進入自我懷疑嘅情況，覺得個人好廢同好脆弱，於是就搵咗一本叫《Daring Greatly》嘅心理學嘅書睇。然後睇到某一處講gratitude，中文即係用到爛嘅「感恩」（真係寫出嚟都打冷震），書入面講緊gratitude係scarcity「缺乏」嘅解藥（antitode）。我諗起响印度義教嘅頭幾日嘅一個debreifing session，匆匆寫咗幾百字英文嘅反思，而家諗返覺得好有意思，所以寫下做中文。
上年7月，我去咗印度兩個星期，其中有幾日去咗Noida一間相對無資源同窮嘅學校教英文。响一日嘅debreifing入面，有幾位同學都不約而同咁話覺得印度嘅學生比佢哋接觸過嘅香港學生都要感恩，更加感恩佢哋有讀書嘅機會。
當時第一下反應覺得自己被攻擊，因為我由細到大都從來冇為過啲咩好感恩過，尤其係關於讀書嘅事，我一直都無 「感恩」過。於是我就向同學講完之後，講咗一段說話，個陣係用英文，但內容大約如下：
身為一個响香港讀咗16年書嘅人，老實講，我從來都唔感恩。好多人話我好幸福，有大學讀。但我淨係覺得個世界對我要求好多好苛刻，所以我對個世界好怨恨。個社會畀咗好多壓力我，每日都話我知「你唔夠好」、「你要做好啲」。我唔覺得自己擁有嘅係足夠，亦都唔覺得自己足夠。而家我當然知道呢啲嘢唔係真，但當時，作為一個細路，我每一日都淨係覺得自己唔足夠同唔夠好。
香港呢個社會，唔會令到小朋友覺得佢哋擁有得足夠，唔會令佢哋覺得佢哋已經夠好。小朋友每一日都淨係俾個社會迫住去「進步」，要學多啲嘢做多啲嘢去贏在起跑線，社會淨係會話俾佢哋知佢哋有咩做得唔夠，佢哋有啲咩係缺乏。 就算家長父母覺得佢哋本來就足夠（adequate），都會因為社會、學校，而需要去逼啲小朋友進步。一個咁樣嘅地方，永遠無可能培養到「感恩」，永遠無可能令到小朋友覺得足夠。身為老師，唔應該去咁樣comment，而係應該去試下改變呢個學校嘅環境。
講完之後，我近乎係淚流滿面嘅狀態。其實唔完全係因為呢一Part嘅分享，而係因為嗰日我教完人生嘅第一堂正式嘅英文堂嘅嗰個下午，我啲學生一離開咗個班房，我就已經開始喊。Professor見到就拉咗我埋一邊俾我喊，然後同我傾咗好耐計。我發現我冇嘢offer到畀我嘅學生之餘，我連好好執行我嘅教案都做唔到。 嗰個「不足」、「我唔夠好」、「我無能力」嘅感覺令到我覺得我作為一個人真係好失敗。我啲同學全部都係教育系嘅學生，上堂對佢哋來講唔係容易，但肯定無我同我Partner（都唔係教育系）咁吃力。但學生理得你係唔係教育系出身，企得响白板面前就要教到書啦係咪先。
覺得自己唔夠好，自己要做好啲嘅感受由我懂事開始就一直纏繞住我。原因有好多，去咗好多counselling session、睇咗好多self-help書同自己諗咗好多，都未係好可以清楚簡潔地歸納到。（如果人生有咁容易，大家都會舒服好多，我知。）但我想講嘅嘢係，唔「感恩」或者每次有人同你講你要「感恩」嘅時候都覺得癡線同嬲嘅原因，唔係你足唔足夠（adequate enough）或者你擁有嘅足唔足夠 (having enough)，而係你感覺足夠與否(feeling enough, feeling that you have enough)。
然後點樣去感覺自己足夠，就係要改變你自己嘅self-talk，即係你點樣同自己講嘢。由「I am not good/ thin/ smart/ capable （or other qualities）enough」變成 「I am adequate」。聽落去係咪好簡單呢。 今日我個靚女朋友叫我講3個我覺得自己有嘅好特質，我一個都答唔出，然後笑咗出聲話自己發現自己其實都真係好憎自己哈哈哈。
改變呢個已經programmed咗响我個腦好多年嘅呢個self-talk，係我至今人生最難解決嘅難題，沒有之一，呢個self-talk其實就係好多其他問題嘅原因。我長期都為自己係鄺頌晴而羞愧(ashamed)，有時狀態好就會可以同自己講「其實你自己知道唔係咁」，狀態唔好就自己鬧到自己上天花板鬱鬱寡歡咁。
尋日朝早，我又進入咗個差嘅狀態，陷入恐慌，無啦啦問咗意中人極愚蠢嘅問題「喂你係咪嬲咗我」，然後得返嚟嘅答覆係「你唔好以為乜都關你事啦」。其實尋日係冇發生過任何事情，只係「乜都無發生，好平靜」嘅感覺對我嚟講太唔熟悉。以前我嘅生活太多壞事發生過，而家咁正常反而感覺唔習慣，硬係形住有事會發生。同埋我覺得「我唔值得有好事發生响我身上」，「如果唔係而家有壞事發生，都一定好快會有壞事發生」，基本上就係我個腦preset咗响background運作嘅Mindset，唔高度aware嘅話好容易就會俾呢種恐慌overrun，尋日就係overrun咗嘅日子。
同靚女朋友講起我會冇事發生都會進入呢個 “flight or fight mode”開始自我懷疑或者覺得個世界就快要末日，又同一時間知道其實係自己個腦嘅問題，但又會忍唔住問人想要個確認，真係令我更加討厭自己同覺得自己好無用。
靚女朋友就話其實佢都係會咁樣，然後分享咗自己點樣用self-awareness去解決呢啲問題。佢都講咗句「其實你(成功/失敗）唔係咁重要，無人會care」，其他人如果見證住你失敗出醜，當下佢可能會cringe，但好快佢都只係會繼續自己嘅生活，我哋其實都冇自己想像得咁重要。
我自己就係用awareness、journaling同self-talk去處理呢啲問題，有時我做得好好，唔會去到要開口問人或者同人講「其實我今日覺得好脆弱，覺得好不安」，但有好多時候都係坐响書枱起勢寫journal去令自己好受啲。但我始終相信，呢啲全部都係process嚟，要畀時間。同埋所有嘢都係由awarenss開始，有awareness慢慢就會變好。同埋就係，每個人嘅方法都唔會一樣，係要靠自己好有意識同痛苦地trial and error去搵出嚟。
附上尋日睇完書嘅少少筆記：
Reading about how gratitude is the antidote for scarcity.
I remember, in the debriefing session after a day of teaching in Noida, India, my colleagues were making the comment that Indian students are more grateful when compared to HK students that they encounter. I felt personally attacked at the scene. I was the more than just ungrateful several years back then, I was cynical, biased and closed-minded. I begged to differ with them, I remember saying that I feel I was being asked for so much from the world, I feel like not being enough and having enough to be “good enough”, how can anyone expects me to be “grateful” when I feel all the pressure of being better coming from all around me. And I added, Hong Kong is not a place that makes kids feel they are enough or they are blessed, kids are asked to improve, to win at the starting point, to become more as if they are not enough. Even if parents see them as enough, the society, the whole atmosphere requires the parents to push them to be more than they are. Such a place can never cultivate gratefulness. And as teachers, we are not in the right position to judge but to try and change it.
The burning urge of being better has been troubling me for my whole childhood, the cause of it comes in too many folds that I can yet pin them all down. But the point is, not being grateful or not feeling able to be grateful is not about if I am enough or I have enough, it is about a feeling of being enough and feeling that you have enough. And how to channel yourself talk from “you are not _ enough” to “I am adequate” is the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life up till now. The shame that was built into not being enough is one of the root cause of all my mental illnesses. It sucks, it makes you feel so ashamed of being yourself. Sometimes it gets better, some more times it just knocks me out kick me in the ass.
I flipped out this morning as I thought something must be going so wrong, without something really going wrong. The feeling of peace and at ease are so not familiar, if things are not tangled up or hitting me right in the face, something is wrong, or something is gonna be very wrong very soon. It is all my miserable past reflexes. I entered my flight or fight mode, a mild version of mine — explaining every fucking thing to some other while knowing it is completely in my head, which turns out neither good or bad, just as things were. Just as I did in India, saying everything I feel. And it sounds stupid and looks stupid, and there’s no solution to it other than cultivating a sense of awareness of that and work on that through trial and error, figure out something that helps with my own crazy emo brain.
